I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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