alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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