what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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