I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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