he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
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