i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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