the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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