i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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