i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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