The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You're my little dorito
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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