then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
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The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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