roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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