I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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