I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
im six kinds of drunk right now
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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