we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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