I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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