Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
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I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
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I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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