I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
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Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
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I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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