i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
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I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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