I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize