She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i dont even know how to be here
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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