mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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