Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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