Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He felt like a one man threesome
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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