drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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