where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
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Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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