she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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