They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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