OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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