I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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