Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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