I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
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We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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