you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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