I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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