my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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