remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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