I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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