my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your dad took our porno
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize