I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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