oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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