My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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