So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
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his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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