Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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