Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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