If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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