Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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