Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
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on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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