I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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