going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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