how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
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Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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